Here at Live Life For Less, we’re all about erm, well…living life for less. So with that in mind, we’ve come up with a few ideas on how you Joe Public can attend this year’s biggest and best UK festival (but not its most cost-conscious, mind) for nothing. Nada. Zip. That’s right. Follow our hints and tips and get all the musical, cultural and entertainment perks of a festival without forking out a big wad of money.
…Don’t actually use any of these techniques though, as almost all of them will most certainly result in either injury or permanent banishment from this or any other festival. But give it a good read. If you’re going to attempt one of them, which one would it be?
1) Pole Vault Over The Walls
Glastonbury is one of the biggest festivals in the world, nevermind the UK. Its 1000 acre plus site is guarded by over 8 miles of tall metal fencing designed to keep ticket holders in and non-ticket holders out. To pull off this acrobatic feat, you’ll first need to acquire a pole vault pole or a long bamboo stick. Next, pick a secluded corner of the site that’s unlikely to attract unnecessary attention and take a long run up from beyond the wall. When you land, run like crazy into the crowd. If everything goes to plan you’ll be sipping your first frost Brothers cider in no time.
2) Dig A Tunnel
This one works in cartoons all the time so it’s bound to work flawlessly in real life too. Before the festival starts head to a field near the Worthy Farm site. It’s important that your starting point isn’t too close to Glastonbury HQ (you don’t want to get caught) but not too far away either (you don’t want to get lost). Next, roughly plan out your trajectory and get digging. With any luck, you’ll avoid popping up underneath the long-drop toilets. Talk about a stinky surprise…
3) Hide In A Suitcase
You can’t argue with a classic. The fest’s recent eyebrow-raising revised alcohol rules would act as a nice diversion, allowing you to sneak in via the magic of misdirection. A fortnight ago, Glasto founder Michael Eavis said that stewards will be keeping a keen eye on the amount of booze you’re bringing through his gates. While wardens have their peepers on your ungodly haul of Strongbow, you should easily be able to tuck (read: ’force’) yourself into a suitcase and get a kind friend to carry you in. Just remember to make some air holes in your selected case. Suffocation probably isn’t too much fun.
4) Wear A Hi-Vis Jacket and Tell Loads of Lies.
It’s a little known fact that amidst the chaos and confusion of a typical music festival you can get almost anywhere if you’re wearing a high-vis jacket, looking slightly stressed and walking as if you’re in a rush. High-visibility jackets (you know the ones, they’re neon) are easily found, just look in your local cycling shop. For added effect bring along a clipboard with some paper attached to it and a walkie-talkie. It doesn’t have to work but make sure you talk into it every now and then saying things like ‘I’ll be right there,’ whilst dropping the name of a headlining act or two. With all these items in tow, you should be able to breeze in like a fart in the wind.
5) Hide In A Hole Three Months In Advance
This one involves a little bit of planning. Clear your schedule for three months prior to Glastonbury’s June 26th kick-off date and head down to Worthy Farm. In the dead of night, dig a hole in a secluded spot and cover the top with twigs, dead leaves and grass. Now, all you have to do is play the waiting game…the three months long waiting game. It may seem like a bit of a long slog but rest assured, good things come to those who wait. Having eluded the site’s guards and construction workers you’ll be able to secretly emerge on the first day of the festival, 20lbs lighter and raring to go…Sort of. One added perk of this method is that you’ll save loads on booze costs as your malnourished body will likely be falling over at the even the slightest smell of beer. Best head to the showers first though…
6) Pretend to be in a band
Perhaps the easiest way to get into the festival is to pretend you’re one of the event’s many musical guests. You can do this in a number of ways. If you and a group of mates want to try and sneak in, you can temporarily form a band. Don some clearly out-of-date clothes, pierce random parts of your face and act like every encounter with anyone ever annoys you more than being trapped in a phonebox with a screaming baby. Alternatively, you could locate an acoustic guitar case, grow a beard and say you’re the latest folky-indie-troubadour that’s so cool nobody has even heard of you yet. Adding shades to the ensemble will help avoid having your shifty eyes give the game away.
Did we miss a trick? Let us know in the comment section below!